Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Dating

Yesterday we splurged on our once monthly treat of eating at the Chinese buffet. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

My fortune cookie told me, "Now is the time to ask that special someone out on a date". I think they mixed my fortune with somebody else's. I've never asked anybody on a date. I think it's the man who should be doing the pursuing. It's the man's job to pursue the woman, make her feel pretty and feminine, bring her flowers, protect her from bad things, and whap anything that bothers her over the head with a big stick. As a girl, it's my job to fawn over how clever and cute he is and make him feel rugged and masculine. Pursuing him for a date goes against our ingrained biology.

I used to hate dresses with a passion. How was I supposed to hang upside down from trees while wearing one? Nowadays I find myself increasingly liking them. Last year I wore a purple flowery one for backpacking, this year it's a black cocktail-esque dress. I love the way full skirts swirl up and around my legs when I'm out contra dancing.

I find myself increasingly loving and celebrating the differences between men and women. Don't get me wrong, I love the effects the women's liberation movement has had on the world. I hate sexist pigs. But I do recognize that women and men are innately different and should recognize and celebrate that fact. We should get paid equally for equal work, but we should also realize that we're better at different things in life. No woman is ever going to beat a man's weight lifting or running record. No man is ever going to be able to nurture a child as effectively as a woman.

And I will never ask a man out on a date. I want someone who thinks I'm the most delicious, talented woman to ever walk the earth and will do anything to have me. Why make it easy by asking him out?

Pffft. Sometimes I wonder about the seriousness of fortune cookies. Could they not be the deep, metaphysical morsels of truth I make them out to be?

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh No Heather Wait....
Ok...got my breat back. My poor dog, Brinker, had to just sit there through a long rant about societal programming before I could calm myself down to offer a little post. First, let me recommend a book called "Stiffed" by Susan Faludi.(Not sure about that last name?) Anyway, she goes a long way into explaining the current male dilemna. As a man, I would like to offer a few ideas. Now, I am not saying you have to ask some man out today but would like you to consider a few ideas.
1. Is the type of man you would like a relationship a man that will ask you out? I have been reading your blog for over a year now and still wonder if what you want would make you happy?
2. What if the man has very different ideas about initiating a relationship? I have been asked out by women plenty of times. If they hadn't made the "first move" then I wouldn't have gotten to know these extraordinary women. (I am married now by the way. I sent you a card early this summer while you were outwest.)
3.Do you really want to regulate yourself to such a passive role in something so important as the beginning of the relationship? You seem to be strong and independent of mind, yet here you want to see just who will stop by.
4.If you leave the initiating up only to the male to "...be doing the pursuing. It's the man's job to pursue the woman, make her feel pretty and feminine, bring her flowers, protect her from bad things, and whap anything that bothers her over the head with a big stick" he is going to eventually fail. Only you control how pretty and feminine you feel. Men like getting flowers and gifts also so we feel left out. I have seen your picture and read your adventures I can't think of anything that a man could defend you against that you couldn't deal with yourself. As a matter of fact in such a situation I wouldn't mind having you around.
5. "Pursuing him for a date goes against our ingrained biology." Bullshit! Are you saying that this has something to do with science? Social science maybe. It's ingrained allright but not by biology it's programming. I have to mow the lawn rather than my wife because I have a penis? I can't think of one thing that I can do around the home or in the work place that my wife can't do because I was born with a penis.
6. This has gotten way to long of a post!
Ok, Heather...I am not telling you how to live your life because your just going to do what you think is best anyway. I respect that. But why be so adamant about this issue? You can still be pretty and feminine while swinging a hammer, torquing a wrench, and weeding a garden but if you approach a man for a social meeting you suddenly lose this ability? Look, here I am, a man well a married man, telling you that this idea can only limit your personal connections.
So there you have my thoughts. I welcome a response.
Seth Williams
Huddleston Virgina
Turtleblues2002@yahoo.com

Rob Cole said...

Hi Heather,

I kind of agree with Seth's comment above. I met Carie on Match.com. I saw her profile and didn't find it too amazing. She saw my profile and thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. Carie contacted me. I figured if anybody was so interested in me to contact me (and pay $25 to contact me), then I should take some time to at least get to know the person a little bit. As it turns out, Carie is awesome!! Her profile on Match just wasn't the best. So, if Carie had just waited until I contacted her, we never would have gotten together, and that would have been a shame. But in the end you need to do what you feel is right for you. Regards, Rob.

Anonymous said...

Hey Seth, this is the Association for Men calling, time to turn in your penis, you obviously don't need it!

Anonymous said...

Obviously, anonymous poster, you are not married. If you were you would know, your penis is kept in a jar on the nightsatand by your wife. Geez!

Anonymous said...

Rob, the Association for Men here, glad to see you got your package via Fed Ex.

Anonymous said...

First off, most women have a knack that makes men do whatever the woman wants and the guy thinks it was his idea. I started being interested in my wife, after we were married and I started looking at how we met and we talked more about it, I could have been running full out in the opposite direction and I would have still been caught. Women are sneaky that way. :~)

Since you are an avid reader and open to a variety of ideas ... check out the following books:
The five love laguages
Wild at heart by John Eldredge (fairly religious, if that bothers you, but very cool)
Man of Steel and Velvet - a book that tells men to be real men not macho pricks and tells women to be real women not feminist witches. Strong book but very cool. It will irritate you in places though, usually the ones you need to work on.

Just a thought. They helped me and my wife a great deal. And for some of the people commenting on your page - Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Anonymous said...

I have read the Five Love Languages and agree it was a very good book.
suzette

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ;-) Heather wrote the stuff she did to cause some opinions to emerge. It's always fun to see who "gets" it and who doesn't!

Do you people live in some sort of alternate reality to ours? I'm back to realizing most folks don't look at life as full of many possibilities, but as a list of wrote memorizations.

It's good to know what you really want and feel and believe in, then every situation is a case by case basis.

Heather never said she wouldn't START the conversation or friendship....just that she would prefer the guy stick his neck out and ask her out on a date. That weeds out the ones who are half-hearted, lazy, too cheap or too shy.

Maybe you people go out on dates as a means to get to know someone. Personally, there's no way in heck I want to do that unless I KNOW a lot more about them and have some sort of friendship going.

There's nature and there's nurture. In nature, males impress the females in hopes they can be her mate. The best one wins. I don't think people should be any different. The catch is....finding your own definition of BEST.

There are a bazillion men out there, hopefully you find one and stick with him....he better be darn good! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Shame on you Seth and Rob and whoever else. You have been lured into Heather's evil trap. She wanted to illicit your opinions without giving her true feelings up. BS! Neither of you have the foresight or the cunning to do anything but be an open book that even you cannot read. :p

Anonymous said...

On that same note, do you not think people enjoy seeing you up in arms about their comments? That game goes both ways you know. You cannot look past your own opinions to see the humor in all of this. Maybe you just don't "get" it though. :~o

Seth said...

This is all so very interesting really. Wouldn't mind hearing your spin on this particular conversation Heather. What were your intentions on posting this morning? Are you present in any of these "anonymous" postings. I am new to all the players here in Heather's World. I have been here one morning and already my membership in the Association of Men has been resended. Amazing! I have been trying to disassociate myself from groups with bad reputations for a long time. If the designee from Association of Christian Church Participants is also reading, here is a follower of Jesus who would like his membership in this association to be annulled so I won't further tarnish the name of Jesus.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

You seem like a nice guy Seth. I am not sure what is going on here anymore either, but don't let it phase you. I felt that your opinion was both well thought and well spoken. I appreciate the male view that you and Rob posted. I am sorry the value of your post was lost in this little game of Heather and Wendy's. Good luck in your own relationship (that was a lovely picture on your blog).
Dee

Anonymous said...

Tactless and disturbing, but funny.

Anonymous said...

John Eldridge's Wild at Heart Book is awesome. And he would laugh at the sentiment expressed by Seth and Rob. His whole premise is men need to regain their wild heart and claim the beauty as their wife, and be a man about it!

Pentecostal Christian, Republican, Husband, Father, and Member of a Band of Brothers!

PipeTobacco said...

Hello Heather:

I am very glad you wrote the essay you did. Looking for a mate should be something that literally evolves over time and not something to be constantly aware of and postulating about.

I think the approach you mention concerning the differences that often are seen in men and women is extremely valuable and unfortunately a lot of your comments seem to have taken your words as pure literal truth.... instead of as interperative truth.... meaning you are writing how it appears the world often is.... not how it always, absolutely, without fail is.

It is important for people to be less dogmatic and more open to variances in life. I applaud you on your excellent essay today.... and on the large number of essays you have accumulated over the many months.

PipeTobacco

PipeTobacco said...

Heather:

I apologize.... in the paragraph I wrote....

"I think the approach you mention concerning the differences that often are seen in men and women is extremely valuable and unfortunately a lot of your comments seem to have taken your words as pure literal truth.... instead of as interperative truth.... meaning you are writing how it appears the world often is.... not how it always, absolutely, without fail is."

The word "comments" should be "commenters".... meaning those who have commented on your essay.

Sorry for any confusion.

PipeTobacco

Anonymous said...

Thank you! Now I finally understand the way you think. You base your decisions on life on fortune cookies. Glad to see you are finally kicking the habit. Good for you!

Anonymous said...

oh, yeah.....absolutely correct. Heather must have to go eat Chinese a lot to decide what to do next ;-)

Building a house, hiking, school, what book to read.....

Definately all based on fortune cookies! Gee....I guess that's why she gained weight this year ;-p

Seth said...

Really, John Eldridge? The same guy that thinks men are all bred to be a border collie? Curious that he doesn't realize that all men arn't just one breed of dog. Sorry, I have been reading to much Jon Katz these days. Although I haven't spent much time on Eldridge he seems to be of that very special breed of Promise Keepers men. All axioms and no content, another group of fundamentalists flashing in the pan of society. Oh well, if in the least they helped to pay a bunch of hourly workers in their venues.
If you meet the Buddha on the road kill him.
I made a mistake and spoke for men. I also tried to convince Heather against a course of action I thought would make her seem powerless. We all want to be chosen. This is why church is so comforting. The supreme power in all the universe has chosen you to be at Her side for all of eternity. Not only that, but you get to choose who can come into your little paradigm. You can safeguard your leadership and police your pews. I guess I should be comforted by the fact that I never was so presumptious to speak for God or human evolution.
I will still, as a man, question this statement "No woman is ever going to beat a man's weight lifting or running record.No man is ever going to be able to nurture a child as effectively as a woman." In what way does strongest or fastest man beat the strongest fastest woman rule our lives. Heather, I am almost positive, can lift more weight than me. Does that somehow show a failing in me or a failing in her? Or does it simply mean that Heather's life requires much more physical development than my own. Do all the stay at home dad's and single fathers simply give up because they have no milk in there breasts to give their children? I am sure the answer is no.
In the reality of today's world we have to realize that being best at something does not stop somebody else from fulfilling a need and doing it well. Much of what we take as "scientific knowledge" is societal programing by the likes of Eldridge. It is time for a new pardigmn; the old one is unfulfilling.

Seth said...

By the way, I welcome all to check out my blog in the morning because I am composing a little piece on this subject.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I do believe Heather eats a lot of Chinese. Secondly, we all know Pete had a large part to do with Heather's house. What school are we talking about? I thought she was of the unschooled variety. And if you are talking about the corps, I thought she dumped that in search of something else. Hiking? Who doesn't want to get out and see the world? I quite frequently find a fortune cookie that says "You have a trip ahead." And I really don't think fortune cookies have many calories, they taste like crap. So perhaps the rest is just lack of motivation, as you so rudely brought up. ;-p

Anonymous said...

http://www.unclestupid.com/article487.html
Some men can breastfeed....check it out!
Gigi

Anonymous said...

Calm down everyone! Heather is an industrious girl, whether she does it all single-handedly or not. She is just looking for her niche in life, that is part of being young. I think whoever is answering for Heather on this blog is an instigator. Maybe you should consider turning the comments off so that the fighting will stop? This is not done in the spirit of love and acceptance. :(

Anonymous said...

Dresses are great, it is just pantyhose I hate!

Anonymous said...

***Secondly, we all know Pete had a large part to do with Heather's house. ***

How come the rude people never leave their name or address? ;-)

We all know all about Peter, huh? Were you here? Did you watch through scopes? If you had, you would know what a fool you are ;-p

Is this "henman"? Useless to ask, I know.

Wendy.....fat and fiesty ;-)

Anonymous said...

**Whap anything on the head that bothers us with a big stick**
You need to tell your mom this is a man's job. Her arm must be getting tired. Plus I don't see how your mom protecting you can make you feel feminine. Sheltered maybe. Find a man faasttttt!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like I would like this "henman". Woohoo! Me thinks she doth protest too much. Pete is the man behind the curtain, the great and wonderful Oz!

Gigi said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
BooHooWooHoo said...

I see that you do not allow anonymous comments anymore. I feel as if my rights have been abridged! I can't believe Wendy was once a chef. She definitely can't stand the heat....had to get out of the kitchen.

Gigi said...

No offense, but I was wondering about that also. I do not know personally and don't doubt the accomplishments that Heather has made but........when you look at the house journal you see Pete and other guys doing alot of it. Again, this is based on the pictures. Just wonderin and maybe Heather can answer this one for herself.