Wednesday, April 21, 2004


I'm becoming depressed. It seems like I'm doing absolutely nothing useful with MY life. All I'm doing is mopping up somebody elses - somebody who's never paid attention to me, somebody who should be left to wallow in their mistakes and feel the full brunt of the consequences from making such piss-poor choices all of their life.

Money we put into her bank account from the garage sales has already been squandered on bounced check fees incurred when she made a $2,000 mistake in her checking account. How the hell can you make a $2,000 mistake? Especially when her account has been infused with unexpected money! I wish I had that much money to screw up with.

Dick is voluntarily starving himself to death now. The nurses have come to the conclusion that he's doing this because he really has nothing left to live for. His three children have yet to visit him. Only one of them has called him and she only did so twice, to bitch at the nurses. Suzanne has stopped calling as well. When we were in Phoenix to visit her, she asked us if it was alright for her to get a boyfriend ...then said, "Just kidding". She wasn't.

What am I doing here? I'm not helping my financial life being here. I'm certianly not furthering my career goals, unless those change to wanting to clean houses for a living. I'm stuck here doing meaningless work indefinately.

I have no paying job, my (nonworking) vehicle is 3,000 miles away and I have yet to do something useful for/with my life this year. On top of that, thru-hiking season has started and is bringing up painful memories of my unfulfilled hike last year.

Everybody is having more fun then me, dammit!

I need a nice cushy government job as a backcountry ranger. Just me, trail tools and lots of wide open spaces.

Tomorrow the rest of my class at Job Corps is taking the wilderness fire fighting physical to get their red cards.

Tomorrow I get to do what I've been doing for the past two months...pure, unadulterated drudgery. Even Job Corps starts to look good after this.

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