Angst and Longing

I'm restless again.

I taped a map of the United States to my wall and threw an X-acto knife at it. (We have no darts) It landed at the intersection of routes 200 and 59 near Jordan, Montana. I looked up some factoids about the town.

I feel stagnant. Sure I'm doing a lot of things (House, garden, van, carpentry), but it all seems so stale at the moment. I've been very depressed for the past year, off and on. It seems like lately no matter what I do, I'm never happy. I used to be so perky! What happened?

I was rooting around in my room today when I found a letter I had written to myself 3 years ago. It was kinda nice being so young. All of the money I earned was my own. If I wanted something, I bought or did it. I was richer then than I am now, even though I make more money. I saved enough money to build a house, for crying out loud! Nowdays I'm trying to save for an addition so I can have a real bed and bathroom, but all my money gets spent before I even see it. Time to go marry some loaded old guy who has heart problems.

Mr. X isn't old or loaded, and he's in great shape. (You should see the pictures of his chest...) He's part of the many reasons why I'm restless. He's outdoorsy, has a killer wit, and is probably one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. He's one of those people you could easily talk to for days on end with if you were stuck together in a tiny tent in the middle of a snowstorm. I find myself falling for him more every day. But he lives more than 8 hours away. Grrrrr!

I guess my underlying problem is I know my life has enormous potential, and I'm not living it to the fullest. I know I'm going through an angst-ridden phase that most people experience and that it makes life a lot better in the long run once things get figured out, but dangit, it still sucks at the moment.

I'm also being forced to grow up now that we have Sam living with us. I can't be the baby and have mom pay attention to only me anymore. I actually have to share. The horror of it all...

Another thing that's bothering me, (Hey, I'm on a roll!) is the fact that I'm wicked out of shape. Last year at this time, I was in the best shape of my life. When I woke up today after the weekend of backpacking, I was creaky. Creaky, dammit! I wasn't able to spring out of bed. I was actually sore. The highest milage I did in one day was 16.7 . Last year I did 38 and hardly even felt it.

As long as I'm talking numbers, I'll also confess...I hit over 200 pounds this year. I'm going to blame it on being at Job Corps and sitting on my butt all winter. I went to a Doctor appointment with mom the other day, and I'm only down to 192. I never ever pay attention to my weight, but that freaked me out.

Hmm, lessee if I have anything else to complain about... Hmmm, nothing that I can think of. I feel much better now. :-)